In honor of Shark Week…

Straight out of the gate you should know that I don’t plan to watch ANY features from The Discovery Channel’s Shark Week, no matter how hipster fresh it is to do so. Why? Well there is a veritable smorgasbord of reasons why but here are just a few…

1. I live about an hour away from Galveston Island… and at some point in my life I may want to get in the water. Shark Week will not help me in my aquatic aspirations.

2. I KNOW the ocean is full of things that will eat me. I don’t need a weeks worth of dramatic visual reinforcement to enhance my already overactive imagination.

3. My little brother is a science/biology/history/random-stuff-in-general whiz and has been renting each year’s shark week feature since he was about three. So there really isn’t going to be anything new for me this year.

4. “We’re the only species on Earth that observes Shark Week. Sharks don’t even observe Shark Week, but we do… For the same reason I can pick up this pencil, tell you its name is Steve, break it, and part of you dies just a little bit on the inside. Because people can connect with anything. We can sympathize with a pencil, we can forgive a shark, and we can give Ben Affleck an Academy Award for screenwriting.” – Joel McHale (community). I don’t plan on forgiving any sharks this week… sorry Discovery Channel, you can’t make me do it.

Ok I think you get my point… no Shark Week for me. If I were being devoured by a shark I think the jaws theme would be my preferred song of demise. If I’m gonna leave this world with nothing but pale strips of fleshy sinew stuck in the snaggle-toothed people chompers of a sea monster, I should at least have a cool song to make the scene more memorable.

So there you have it… if you ever see me in the ocean please have your ipod qued, the volume up, and the doors to your swag wagon open jussstttt in case I’m suddenly attacked. I think the theme is classic, ominous, epic… not a bad song to go out to. And in the words of the immortal Jack Black, “This is a classic. Just two notes and you’ve got a villain… totally brill.

I also hope a very young and spry Richard Dreyfus is present.


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Categories: Music Review

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